my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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