You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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