I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
