The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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