you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
