we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
