I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
