I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
