u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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