I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
