Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I love having hate sex.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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