I just cut my nipple shaving
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
