Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
