she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
