I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize