Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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