Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
