I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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