The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
