I can feel you judging me through the phone.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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