dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
