Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
