someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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