After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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