Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize