Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize