I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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