I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
