Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
