I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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