shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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