I wish my penis had an off switch
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
