I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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