Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
