i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
