you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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