I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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