i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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