I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
