she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
