So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
