How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize