i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
