Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
