I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
