well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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