for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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