In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
from now on my penis is your penis
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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