pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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