Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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