I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
