mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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