Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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