You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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