They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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