No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
