I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
