So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
