hotel room ftw
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
