Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
