I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
